Date: Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Time: 9:50 PM

i'm itching. haha. :]] and it's on my legs. demmet.

tomorrow is wednesday. and today is tuesday. LOL.

[what's the point? haha]

listening to My Heroine of Silverstein. i damn love it. but it does not go to my dadii. ahaha. :]]para sa iba yan noh. GAGO. sino ba kasing nagsabing iiwan ko dadii ko? gago talaga. ahaha.

we rarely had classes today. and i have NEWS! ahaha. :]]

i passed Math. the catch is, i only got 27 out of the 5o items. LOL. THE HELL I CARE! ahaha! :]] i'm contented that i passed math. RAWR. haha.

and i passed ENGLISH! yahoooooooooo. :] i thought i was gonna fail. because of the crappy mind-twisting test. ahaha. at first, i got 23 out of 40. and then there was an extra question that is worth 5 points. and hell yeah, i got it right.

LOL.:]]

i love english. no matter how hard. but i despise math. thank you very much. HAHA.

enough of the happy part. let's get it on with the goddamn episode this afternoon.

here's the story.

i went with my friends, Nash and Mary, to Sir Gacki [harhar] to submit our miniature landscape. even if it's miniature, my hands were shaking. it's heavy! ahaha. i thought my wrists would break. LOL.

and then when i returned into the classroom, OH, what a sight! :]

i saw dadii, ALONE, with THAT girl. sheesh. i didn't even bother looking at him. i just went to the other room, reading Young Blood 2 and writing how my disorder is attacking again.

it is really hard being BIPOLAR! that illness attacks mercilessly.

it attacked me when i was writing. i think i was carried away with what i wrote, and then suddenly, i didn't realize my illness has been creeping in my mind. and soul.

if you read what i wrote, you'll know how i fight that feeling. i fight with words.

when my illness attacks, all i can think of is blades, suicide and death. i admit, i love dreaming about death A LONG TIME AGO. but now, being cared and loved by someone, i have changed [as i said on my previous post]. i don't want to cut myself, anymore. i promised i'll never do it. and i never did. though i had cut myself a little bit, but it's not visible. hehe.

seriously, i don't want to cut myself. 'cause i made a pact on myself. for my love. for my friends. for everyone who cares. [IF]
i also wrote there, i'll fight even if i die.

i also indicated that someone can't leave a fight unscathed, unbruised and unwounded. so, even if i won't die, the illness would leave a wound on my heart and my mind. no one would mend that wound, so i just let them bleed. no, i'm not going to die.

those cuts, wounds and stabs are signs that mean i stayed strong. i'm keeping myself strong for him. and for myself.

i'm learning to care, can't you see? haha. it's an achievement. but to love myself is an awful and hard thing to do. i'm convinced that i hate myself. i can give good advices on people but never to myself.

he was still ignoring me at that time but then i think he can't resist. [LOL. HE CAN'T RESIST ME! haha]. he went to the room and talked to me.

i was sitting on the floor. dammet. haha. he helped me get up but my body was shaking from the fighting. and eventually, after a few minutes, everything was at peace.

i was smiling. and it continued to the end of the day.

but before we went home, we made a 5-round walk/jog/run in the oval. and i'm damn tired. haha.

good night folks. thanks for reading this. :] 0have left cookies for me